The Pessimist In Me
by john-wtfson
Summary: After the death of Sirius, Remus reflects on his past and the aspects of his life that were changed so drastically by the mischievous animagus.


The Pessimist In Me - Harry Potter Fanfic

Remus + Sirius

**AN: Mentions of M/M relationships. Also, I am not Jo Rowling. Harry Potter does not belong to me, and nor do any of the characters in this.**

Remus padded back into Number 12, Grimmauld Place, ignoring the distinct twinge of pain that shook his body as he stepped through the door. He tossed his coat to the side, not really caring if it landed on the rack or not, and collapsed on a chair in the kitchen.

He stared forward, emptiness clouding his head. Sirius' coffee was still on the table, cold and collecting dust, despite it being poured mere hours ago. Remus sat and looked at it, unsure what to do with it. He could throw it away, he thought.

He gripped the mug and made his way to the sink, tilting it slightly. A few drops of black, bitter coffee fell out, leaving transparent stains on the silver sink. Remus immediately stopped tilting the cup, shaking. Sirius hadn't been dead an hour, and already he was removing all traces he had left before his death. If he was pouring out his coffee now, what would he be doing after 24 hours? Or a week?

Still shaking, Remus sat back down. The emptiness in his mind thinned out, being replaced with memories of his best friend - memories of his lover.

He remembered meeting Sirius as a scrawny boy with too-skinny knees and mosquito bites up his arms. Sirius had taken one look at him and laughed, before shoving him into the train compartment and engaging in a conversation about quidditch teams.

He remembered falling in love with Sirius as a gawky, awkward teenager with long, tawny hair and alarmingly large amber eyes. Sirius had smiled at him during Charms, and Remus knew from the way his heart dropped that he was in love with a man who would never see him as anything more than a friend.

He remembered Sirius telling him that the feelings weren't one-sided. He smiled.

He remembered Sirius being taken away to Azkaban. He stopped smiling.

He remembered being taken in for questioning, because he had been living and sleeping with a Death Eater for several years, and, god dammit, how could he not have realized it? He had screamed at the Ministry representative, because he didn't want to believe that Sirius, his Sirius, had sold James and Lily to Voldermort. His screams flooded his ears, and he remembered seeing Sirius for the last time before 'The Darkness'. He wasn't his Sirius. The Sirius that had been dragged out of his house - their house - was dark, cold.

He remembered 'The Darkness'. He didn't want to, but he did. His fingers traced the remaining scars - some had been inflicted by the monster, and some by the man. He remembered the silent sobs, the intense weight loss, and some of the most painful full moons in his life.

He remembered seeing Sirius again after 13 years of pain. His eyes had been dark and he was skinnier then Remus - an achievement that neither were proud of. During their brief hug in front of Harry, Hermione and Ron, Remus was able to count how many rib bones Sirius had.

He remembered nursing Sirius back to health. For the first time in their lives, Sirius was the more vulnerable out of the two. It had always been Remus, from post-moon Remus to shy Remus. But instead, Sirius was the one who woke up crying and screaming. Sirius was the one who refused to go outside.

He wasn't even aware he had been crying until he licked his chapped lips and caught taste of the salty water that could only have been one of his many tears.

Sirius had always brought out the pessimist within Remus, just never when he was around. Whenever he left, for whatever reasons he had, Remus began to see everything in black and white.

Sirius had once told him jokingly, that he had preferred to see the world upside down, because it was cooler like that.

I, Remus thought miserably, prefer to see the world with my eyes closed, because it's better I don't see a world without him.


End file.
